Many people remain reluctant to cover their faces in public. Are masks effective against COVID-19? What’s the status of a vaccine? What’s the science behind it all?
Auburn University at Montgomery (Alabama) biology professor Karen Stine, who specializes in toxicology — the study of poisons — has taught courses in toxicology, pharmacology, cell biology, physiology and environmental science. She offers her thoughts on the ongoing global pandemic, and how the public at large can work to guard against it.
Q. How do vaccines work?
Stine: Vaccines generally contain either an inactivated virus, or isolated bits and pieces of a virus, any of which will hopefully stimulate your immune system to react. This gives you a head start, so if and when you’re actually exposed to the virus your immune system can inactivate it before it makes you sick. But immune responses usually take some time to ramp up to full steam.
Q. Why don’t we have a vaccine for COVID-19 yet?
Stine: Right now, there are multiple organizations working on different viral bits and pieces, hoping to find the right combination that can get the immune system geared up against COVID-19. This takes time, though, as the strategies first have to be tested in the lab, and then in uninfected people to make sure the vaccine is safe and that indicators of effectiveness (usually antibodies) have been produced in the test subjects. Finally, large scale tests for effectiveness (usually involving thousands of people) have to take place. Only then will the vaccine be approved for the general public.many people remain reluctant to cover their faces in public. Are masks effective against COVID-19? What’s the status of a vaccine? What’s the science behind it all?
Auburn University at Montgomery biology professor Karen Stine, who specializes in toxicology — the study of poisons — has taught courses in toxicology, pharmacology, cell biology, physiology and environmental science. She offers her thoughts on the ongoing global pandemic, and how the public at large can work to guard against it.
Q. How do vaccines work?
Stine: Vaccines generally contain either an inactivated virus, or isolated bits and pieces of a virus, any of which will hopefully stimulate your immune system to react. This gives you a head start, so if and when you’re actually exposed to the virus your immune system can inactivate it before it makes you sick. But immune responses usually take some time to ramp up to full steam.
Q. Will a vaccine produce long-lasting immunity against COVID-19?
Stine: No one knows the answer to that yet. For some viruses (the virus that causes measles, for example), one or two doses of a vaccine can produce immunity that appears to last throughout life. For other viruses (influenza viruses, for example), frequent changes in the virus along with gradually declining immunity means that people need to be re-vaccinated annually.
Q. Do masks really help prevent the spread of COVID-19?
Stine: It’s a fair question. Early on, scientists and doctors were not encouraging (and in fact were discouraging) mask use. But as evidence mounted, we learned from it—that’s how science works—and now, the scientific and medical advice has changed. The consensus now is that wearing a mask in public can greatly reduce transmission of the COVID-19 virus.
Q. What has the science shown the biomedical community that makes them support this?
Stine: A few facts have become clear over the last months. People can spread the virus without showing symptoms. We also know the virus is predominantly spread through respiratory droplets and that cloth masks are effective at blocking the release of respiratory droplets by infected people. Some of this evidence is from other viruses but should generalize to COVID-19.
Q. So what conclusion can be drawn from that evidence?
Stine: If everyone wears masks, which block respiratory droplets, transmission of the virus should be greatly reduced.
Q. But does this work in the real world?
Stine: Evidence now indicates that masks, along with other measures, can indeed make a difference. Also, strong anecdotal evidence from countries in both Asia and Europe that have mandated masks in public lends support to the premise that masks can be an effective tool in dramatically reducing coronavirus transmission.
Q. Should everyone wear a mask in public?
Stine: For a very small segment of the population, wearing a mask is not medically recommended. For the rest of us, it is not only safe but is also the most effective thing we can do to make others feel safe, as well. And remember, workers in medical and other fields have always worn them!
Q. But some people feel wearing a mask infringes on their freedom. How do you convince these people to wear masks?
Stine: Perhaps it does a bit. But if mild inconvenience outweighs civic responsibility for you in a time of national crisis — and over 100,000 deaths nationwide certainly qualifies as a crisis — are you comfortable with what that says about your values?
Q. So if you could speak directly to people who are reluctant to wear a mask in public, what would you say to them?
Stine: The bottom line is that strong scientific evidence indicates that if everyone wears a mask in public (and maintains appropriate social distancing), rates of COVID-19 infection will drop, and we can all enjoy much safer freedom of movement as we go about our daily lives. Also, those still isolated at home can more safely emerge and help boost our struggling economy. It’s a win for everyone. So, wear a mask. Please. Lives and livelihoods depend on it.

By Nick Thomas

Raised in a rough Harlem neighborhood in the 40s and 50s, childhood proved challenging for Hank Garrett.
“We lived in the slums and I’d walk into the kitchen in the mornings to find the floor covered with roaches,” said Garrett from his home in California. “And I still remember waking up one day with a weight on my chest – it was a rat.”
As outlined in his 2020 autobiography, “From Harlem Hoodlum to Hollywood Heavyweight,” other hardships dogged young Hank throughout his troubled teen years.
“I saw fights, stabbings, and shootings – it was a daily situation,” recalled Garrett. But he endured, including a later near fatal car accident, eventually turning his life around to focus on physical fitness and becoming a professional wrestler before turning to acting.
During a brief time on the New York police force, Garratt auditioned for “Car 54, Where Are You?” a new television comedy series that debuted in 1961.
“When I told my commanding officer I had a chance to work on a television series, he looked at me and said, ‘tough decision isn’t it Hank – to become a television star or stay a cop in New York!” Garrett recalled. “‘Car 54’ opened up an acting career for me.”
Series creator Nat Hiken hired Garrett as Officer Ed Nicholson. “So I went from real cop to reel cop!” said Garrett.
The show also starred Fred (later ‘Herman Munster’) Gwynne and Joe E. Ross who were partners in the series.
“Fred was very soft-spoken and truly a gentleman who also wrote and illustrated children’s books,” he said. “He lost a child who drowned and we were shooting when the news came. We were all devastated and shared his pain.”
As for Ross, ‘what a character,” said Garrett with a laugh. “Joe would bring in ladies of the evening and at one point asked if one could be put on the payroll as his acting coach! The producers didn’t go for it. And, of course, he could never remember his lines and that’s why he always went ‘ooh! ooh!’ until the words came to him.”
Numerous other roles came Garrett’s way, often being cast as the bad guy opposite some of Hollywood’s biggest names including Kirk Douglas in “A Lovely Way to Die” (1968) where a stray punch from Douglas gave Garrett a bloody nose. But Hank got even with the A-lister crowd several years later in a memorably violent fight scene in “Three Days of the Condor” breaking Robert Redford’s nose.
Playing the ‘heavy,’ he says, wasn’t a stretch given his tough childhood. Nor did he forget his troubled past and has worked tirelessly for years with prisoners, veterans, and at-risk youth he calls Hankster’s Kids (see www.hankgarrett.biz).
“I hope people will be interested in my book because the proceeds will go to disabled vets and the kids.”
Nick Thomas teaches at Auburn University at Montgomery, Ala., and has written features, columns, and interviews for over 850 newspapers and magazines.

Dear Savvy Senior,

I am interested in getting my mom, who lives alone, a medical alert system with a wearable pendant button that will let her call for help if she falls or has a medical emergency. What can you tell me to help me choose one?

Too Many Choices

Dear Too Many,
A good medical alert system is an effective and affordable tool that can help keep your mom safe and living in her own home longer. But with all the different products and features available today, choosing one can be challenging. Here are some tips that can help.
Three Key Questions
Medical alert systems, which have been around since the 1980s, provide a wearable help button – usually in the form of a neck pendant or wristband – that would put your mom in touch with a dispatcher who could summon emergency help or contact a friend or family member as needed.
To help you narrow down your options and choose a system that best fits your mom’s needs, here are three key questions you’ll need to ask, along with some top-rated companies that offer these products.
1. Does your mom want a home-based or mobile system?
Medical alert systems were originally designed to work inside the home with a landline telephone, which is still an option. But since fewer and fewer households have landlines these days, most companies today also offer home-based systems that work over a cellular network. With these systems, pressing the wearable help button allows you to speak to a dispatcher through a base unit located in your home.
In addition, many companies offer mobile medical alert options, too. You can use these systems at home, but they’ll also allow you to call for help while you’re out and about.
Mobile alerts operate over cellular networks and incorporate GPS technology. They allow you to talk and listen to the operator directly through the pendant button, and because of the GPS, your location would be known in order for help to be sent.
If your mom doesn’t leave the house very often, she may not need a mobile system, but if she is still active, she may want added protection outside the home.
2. Should her system be monitored or not?
The best medical alert systems are monitored, meaning that the help button connects you with a trained operator at a 24/7 dispatching center.
But you also have the option to choose a system that isn’t monitored. With these, when you press the help button, the device automatically dials a friend or family member on your programmed emergency call list.
These products can often be set up to call multiple people and to contact emergency services if you don’t get an answer from someone on your list.
3. Should you add a fall-detection feature?
Most medical alert companies today now offer the option of an automatic fall detection pendant for an additional fee of $10 to $15 per month. These pendants sense falls when they occur and automatically contact the dispatch center, just as they would if you had pressed the call button.
But be aware that this technology isn’t full proof. In some cases, this feature may register something as a fall that isn’t. The alarm might go off if you drop it or momentarily lose your balance but don’t actually land on the ground.
Top Rated Systems
Here are four top companies, rated by Consumer Reports, that offer home and mobile monitored medical alert systems:
* Bay Alarm Medical: Fees range between $20 and $40 per month; BayAlarmMedical.com; 877-522-9633.
* GreatCall’s Lively Mobile Plus: The device costs $50 plus a $25 to $40 monthly service fee; GreatCall.com; 800-650-5921.
* MobileHelp: Monthly fees run $20 to $45; MobileHelp.com; 800-809-9664.
* Phillips Lifeline: $30 to $50/month, plus a onetime device/activation fee of $50 to $100; Lifeline.Philips.com; 855-681-5351.
Send your senior questions to: Savvy Senior, P.O. Box 5443, Norman, OK 73070, or visit SavvySenior.org. Jim Miller is a contributor to the NBC Today show and author of “The Savvy Senior” book.

Experience an unforgettable Valentine date with the Zoo’s socially distant, 21+ event dinner

Your valentine will go wild when you surprise them with a unique dinner experience at the Oklahoma City Zoo and Botanical Garden. The OKC Zoo is hosting two socially distant Valentine’s Dinner events at the Zoo’s Sea Lion Stadium on Saturday, February 13 and Sunday, February 14. Each event will be limited to 122 guests, 21 and older, to ensure adequate social distancing among attendees. Doors open at 6:30 p.m. and the first course is served at 7 p.m.
Participants will enjoy dining under the stars at private, socially distanced tables, arranged throughout the Zoo’s covered Sea Lion Stadium. Heat lamps will be aglow, creating a cozy setting but dress warmly. Each event will feature a three-course dinner provided by Salt and Surrey Catering. Menu options include a strawberry or tossed salad, south of France chicken, grilled pork loin with peach chutney, or portabella mushroom stack and a sweet ending with strawberry or chocolate mousse for dessert. Dinners will feature a full bar with domestic beer, wine, mixed drinks, soda and the event’s specialty cocktail, the Love Potion, available for purchase.
These one-of-kind dinners conclude with a splash as the Zoo’s California sea lions and harbor seals along with their talented caretakers entertain guests with specially-themed presentation, Sealed with a Fish!
“We are excited to expand our adult, 21 and older events and provide Zoo fans with a new, exclusive opportunity to celebrate the Valentine’s holiday in a memorable setting with our beloved wildlife,” said Jenna Dodson, OKC Zoo’s manager of events.
Turn up the romance and complement your lovely dinner with a half-dozen chocolate covered strawberries for an additional $35. Planning to propose this Valentine’s Day? We can help. Purchase a proposal package to present during the Valentine’s Dinner and a Zoo representative will reach out to help you plan the special occasion. For more information, contact events@okczoo.org.
Valentine’s Dinner admission is $120 per couple for ZOOfriends members and $140 per couple for nonmembers. During the ticket purchasing process, you will be asked to give your menu choices and a place to request special seating with friends and other couples! Tickets are now available at okczoo.org. Tickets are non-refundable and non-transferable and events will be held rain or shine.
Cupid gives his “seal” of approval with the OKC Zoo’s Valentine’s Dinner! Get your tickets now. The Oklahoma City Zoo is open Thursday through Monday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. with no public access on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Advance tickets are required for all guests and ZOOfriends members and can be purchased at www.okczoo.org/tickets. Zoo tickets are limited each day to maintain social distancing among guests. Located at the crossroads of I-44 and I-35, the OKC Zoo is a proud member of the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the American Alliance of Museums, Oklahoma City’s Adventure District and an Adventure Road partner. Regular admission is $12 for adults and $9 for children ages 3-11 and seniors ages 65 and over. Children two and under are admitted free.
Stay connected with the Zoo on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and TikTok, and by visiting our blog stories. Zoo fans can support the OKC Zoo by becoming a ZOOfriends member. Starting at $45, memberships can be purchased at ZOOfriends.org and provide access to the OKC Zoo for an entire year plus, additional benefits and discounts. To learn more about Zoo happenings, call (405) 424-3344 or visit okczoo.org.

Once a week, after she brushes her teeth and gets ready to leave for work at the Oklahoma Medical Research Foundation, Cindy Carter sets a 30-minute timer on her phone.
When Carter’s phone buzzes on her drive, it reminds her of the task that now kicks off her week: submitting a saliva sample for OMRF’s weekly employee Covid-19 testing program.
Before leaving her car, Carter opens her testing kit, which OMRF provides to staff members each week. Inside is a cup, a barcoded sample tube, pipette, alcohol wipe and biohazard bag.
“I don’t want to take off my mask indoors, so before I go in, I spit into the cup, put the sample in the tube and throw the waste away in a biohazard receptacle,” said Carter, a lab manager for OMRF’s Cardiovascular Biology Research Program.
Carter then enters OMRF’s Research Tower, where a human resources staffer sits behind plexiglass, ready to collect samples.
“They scan a barcode on my employee badge, then a barcode on the tube,” explained Carter, who joined OMRF in 1996. “Only human resources has those codes. It couldn’t be easier or faster.”
Each Wednesday morning, having collected samples from the 300-plus employees who are onsite each week, foundation technicians analyze the samples. The OMRF-developed process can run 186 samples at a time and examines each sample five times for accuracy. And because of the “specificity” of the test, it can detect amounts of the virus much smaller than those picked up by many commercially available tests.
The lab relays any positive results by Wednesday evening to OMRF Vice President of Human Resources Courtney Greenwood, who contacts those individuals. “If you haven’t heard from me by Thursday morning, you know you’re in the clear,” said Greenwood.
When it came to adding testing to OMRF’s existing pandemic protocols of mask-wearing and physical distancing, Greenwood said OMRF leadership agreed the test had to be fast, free of nose swabs, and affordable for the foundation.
OMRF scientist Joel Guthridge, Ph.D., and his team answered the call, using existing equipment, technology and staff to develop the saliva-based PCR test at a fraction of commercial costs.
“It’s pennies on the dollar comparatively,” said Guthridge. “Our goal is to help people be healthier. We had to achieve that mission on our own turf so that we could forge ahead with our other research.”
More than 4,000 samples have been run since the testing program started in October. To date, they’ve identified 17 employees who were positive for the virus. In the same timeframe, there have been no instances of onsite spread of the virus among employees.
“This testing program has really proven effective at keeping our workforce safe and avoiding outbreaks,” said Greenwood. “It’s helped us maintain our laboratory operations, and we plan to continue the program as long as the virus remains a threat in the community.”
For Carter, OMRF’s weekly testing program, along with a host of other onsite safety protocols, have provided comfort during unsettling times.
I’ve felt really good about coming into work during even the worst stretches of the pandemic,” said Carter. “Having worked here as long as I have, I’m not surprised they went above and beyond to protect us.”

Dear Savvy Senior,

I will turn 65 in a few months and plan to keep working for several more years. I have good health insurance from my employer now. Do I have to sign up for Medicare when I reach 65?

Looking Ahead

Dear Looking,
Whether you need to enroll in Medicare at 65 if you continue to work and have health insurance through your job depends on how large your employer is. The same rules apply if your health insurance comes from your spouse’s job.
But first, let’s review the basics. Remember that original Medicare has two parts: Part A, which provides hospital coverage and is free for most people. And Part B, which covers doctor’s bills, lab tests and outpatient care. Part B also has a monthly premium, which is $148.50 for most beneficiaries in 2021, but is higher for individuals earning above $88,000.
If you’re already receiving Social Security, you’ll automatically be enrolled in parts A and B when you turn 65, and you’ll receive your Medicare card in the mail. It will include instructions to return it if you have work coverage that qualifies you for late enrollment. If you aren’t yet receiving Social Security, you will have to apply, which you can do online at SSA.gov/medicare.
If you plan to continue working past the age of 65 and have health insurance from your job, your first step is to ask your benefits manager or human resources department how your employer insurance works with Medicare. In most cases, you should at least take Medicare Part A because it’s free. (Note: If you’re funding a health savings account you may not want to take Part A because you can’t make contributions after you enroll). But to decide whether to take Part B or not will depend on the size of your employer.
Small Employer
If your current employer has fewer than 20 employees, Medicare will be your primary insurer and you should enroll in Medicare Part B during your initial enrollment period. This is a seven-month period that includes the three months before, the month of, and the three months after your 65th birthday.
If you miss the seven-month sign-up window, you’ll have to wait until the next general enrollment period, which runs from Jan. 1 to March 31 with benefits beginning the following July 1. You’ll also incur a 10 percent penalty for each year you wait beyond your initial enrollment period, which will be tacked on to your monthly Part B premium.
Large Employer
If your employer has 20 or more employees, your employer’s group health plan will be your primary insurer as long as you remain an active employee. If this is the case, you don’t need to enroll in Part B when you turn 65 if you’re satisfied with the coverage you are getting through your job. But if you do decide to enroll in Medicare, it will supplement your employer insurance by paying secondary on all of your claims.
Once your employment or group health coverage ends, you will then have eight months to sign up for Part B without a penalty. This is known as the Special Enrollment Period.
Check Drug Coverage
You also need to verify your prescription drug coverage. Call your benefits manager or insurance company to find out if your employer’s prescription drug coverage is considered “creditable.” If it is, you don’t need to enroll in a Medicare Part D prescription drug plan. If it isn’t, you should purchase a plan (see Medicare.gov/plan-compare) during your initial enrollment period or you’ll incur a premium penalty (1 percent of the average national premium for every month you don’t have coverage) if you enroll later.
If you have more questions or need help, contact your State Health Insurance Assistance Program (see ShiptaCenter.org), which offers free Medicare counseling. Or call the Medicare Rights Center helpline at 800-333-4114.
Send your senior questions to: Savvy Senior, P.O. Box 5443, Norman, OK 73070, or visit SavvySenior.org. Jim Miller is a contributor to the NBC Today show and author of “The Savvy Senior” book.

Steven Howell, the Pharmacy Manager at INTEGRIS Baptist Medical Center, receives a token of appreciation from Alex Azar the former Secretary of the United States Department of Health and Human Services.
Howell was given this medallion for his role in discovering extra doses of the Pfizer vaccine. In early shipments of the vaccine, the FDA had originally approved the use of five doses per vial. But when examining the doses sent to INTEGRIS Health, Howell discovered that you could actually get six doses from each vial. He quickly informed his brother-in-law, U.S. Marine Colonel Gregory McCarthy, who happens to be on the White House Coronavirus Task Force. McCarthy relayed the information up the chain of command and after further review, the FDA granted permission for hospitals around the country to use the sixth dose. “In essence, we received 20-percent more doses than we originally thought,” said Howell. “We were able to vaccinate that many more people and none of the vaccine went to waste.”
Howell may downplay his involvement in this potentially life-saving discovery, but he fully understands the importance of expanding the use of such a scarce commodity. “It’s exciting to be a part of something so monumental,” admits Howell.
We applaud you, Steven, for your daily contributions to INTEGRIS Health and the citizens of Oklahoma, and we commend you for your service to the entire country.

The National Committee for Quality Assurance (NCQA) recently announced that five INTEGRIS Family Care Clinics in Enid have earned Patient-Centered Medical Home (PCMH) Recognition renewal.
The clinics received the initial recognition for using evidence-based, patient-centered processes that focus on highly coordinated care and long-term, participative relationships. The facilities receiving the PCMH Certificate of Recognition renewal are listed below:
INTEGRIS Family First
INTEGRIS Christopher A. Shearer, D.O.
INTEGRIS Dustin Baylor, M.D.
INTEGRIS N.W. Family Medicine Clinic
INTEGRIS Family Care Services of Enid
The NCQA Patient-Centered Medical Home is a model of primary care that combines teamwork and information technology to improve care, improve patients’ experience of care and reduce costs. Medical homes foster ongoing partnerships between patients and their personal clinicians, instead of approaching care as the sum of episodic office visits. Each patient’s care is overseen by clinician-led care teams that coordinate treatment across the health care system. Research shows that medical homes can lead to higher quality and lower costs and can improve patient and provider reported experiences of care.

The American Health Care Association and National Center for Assisted Living (AHCA/NCAL), representing more than 14,000 nursing homes and assisted living communities across the country that provide care to approximately five million people each year, released the following statement regarding the pace of the COVID-19 vaccination rollout.
The following statement is attributable to Mark Parkinson, president and CEO of AHCA/NCAL:
“With record-breaking cases in nursing homes right now due to soaring community spread, no one could wish for a swifter delivery of the vaccine than those living and working in long term care facilities. While we must be efficient in order to save the lives of our most vulnerable, we must also be thoughtful and targeted in our approach.
“Since the creation of the pharmacy partnership program for long term care, we knew that this rollout would take time: to approve the vaccines for use; to have enough supply for each state to activate the program; to encourage states to prioritize our population; to distribute and ship the vaccine to the pharmacies; to prepare the clinics for our residents who have complex conditions; to gather consent among residents or their health care representatives; and to educate staff, residents and family members about the need to take the vaccine. The plan from the beginning was to vaccinate long term care residents and staff with the first dose over three to four weeks, beginning the last two weeks of December. Therefore, we are in the midst of the pharmacy partnership program really getting underway, and we believe this program is operating in accordance with its intended timeline.
“As of right now, we are not aware of widespread issues or delays with this vaccine rollout, and if there were, we would be among the first to sound the alarm. We continue to assist a minority of member providers who come to us looking for assistance or clarity, but the majority of providers tell us that their clinics have been scheduled or have already occurred and that overall, the program is running smoothly.
“As with any effort of this scale, there will be issues, and vaccine hesitancy is our primary focus at this moment. Uptake among residents and staff is varying widely, but in general, staff seem to be mirroring the general public’s reaction: excitement mixed with hesitation about the vaccines’ development and safety. We launched the #GetVaccinated campaign to encourage all long term care residents, families and staff members to consent to the vaccine as well as provide credible information to help inform their decision. We call on public health officials, social media companies, and members of the media to combat misinformation about the vaccine to aid in this effort.
“And pardon the pun, but we get more than one shot at this. We remain hopeful that uptake for the vaccine will improve as this pharmacy partnership program continues to unfold in the coming weeks and months in the subsequent clinics.
“This is a monumental effort to vaccinate millions of our nation’s vulnerable seniors and their caregivers, and we are confident and grateful that everyone involved is working as hard and as fast as they can while still ensuring we get this right.”

by Greg Schwem

The hardware store employee approached, noting the confusion on my face. It’s a look that just happens naturally the moment I enter any store that smells of lumber.
“What can I help you find today?” he said.
“The ‘Diet Coke’ button,” I said.
“Excuse me?”
I repeated my request, glancing at my watch while doing so. Whenever I’m in a hardware store, my goal is to be out in less than five minutes. I never do this when I’m in, say, an electronics store. Then again, I enjoy being around flat screen televisions. Drill bits and tile grout, not so much.
“We sell Diet Coke at the registers,” the employee said. “But that’s it. Are you referring to something you wear on your lapel?”
“No, I want the button that sits on your desk. You press it and somebody walks in with a Diet Coke,” I said. “I read Donald Trump had one installed on the Oval Office desk, but President Biden got rid of it when he was sworn in. And it didn’t even require an executive order.”
“We don’t sell a Diet Coke button,” the relieved employee said. “Have you tried contacting Coca-Cola? Maybe they have one.”
“I sent an email,” I said. “Still waiting for a response. Look, it doesn’t have to be Diet Coke, specifically. Do you sell other buttons for a home office that produce objects instantly when pressed? What about a ‘potato chips’ button? A ‘warm pair of socks’ button? A ‘Bud Light’ button?”
“You want a Bud Light button in your office?” the employee said.
“I’d program it so it only worked after 5:30 p.m.,” I replied.
“Sir, we have a full line of doorbells in aisle 15. Wouldn’t something like that work?” asked the employee, now glancing at HIS watch.
“I suppose so,” I said.
“Great. Happy to be of service,” the employee said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m needed in plumbing.”
Trudging to the other side of the store, I found an “entry alert kit” featuring a device that promised to emit a buzzing sound. I brought it home, secured it near my keyboard and pressed the button. My dog, not recognizing this new sound, freaked out, nonetheless.
“Why is she barking?” my wife yelled from upstairs.
“She’ll be fine,” I yelled back. “She just needs to get used to the new sound.”
“What new sound?” said my wife, now standing at the entrance to my office.
“This one,” I said, pressing the button again. The dog responded accordingly.
“Why are you buzzing?” she asked, after consoling our now breathless pooch.
“It’s my Diet Coke buzzer,” I said. “Like the one President Trump used. You’re familiar with it?”
“Familiar enough to know that I’m not getting you a Diet Coke every time you press that thing,” she said. “Did you really think that was going to happen?”
“It doesn’t have to be you,” I said. “It could be anyone who happens to hear it. What about our daughters? They’ve been spending a lot of time in the house since COVID-19. They can get it.”
“When did everybody in this house suddenly become your servants?” she said.
“So, I should return the buzzer?”
“No, I think I’ll get one. Maybe I’ll get a few, all with different sounds. One is the signal that I’m not cooking dinner tonight, another is that the faucet is still dripping — I’ll return it when you finally fix it — another for…”
“OK, I get it. But can you just bring me a Diet Coke one time? Just so I can experience what might have been?”
Before she could answer, I pressed the button.
My wife exited the room, returning with my favorite beverage.
For a brief moment, I felt very presidential.
(Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of two books: “Text Me If You’re Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad” and the recently released “The Road To Success Goes Through the Salad Bar: A Pile of BS From a Corporate Comedian,” available at Amazon.com. Visit Greg on the web at www.gregschwem.com.
You’ve enjoyed reading, and laughing at, Greg Schwem’s monthly humor columns in Senior Living News. But did you know Greg is also a nationally touring stand-up comedian? And he loves to make audiences laugh about the joys, and frustrations, of growing older. Watch the clip and, if you’d like Greg to perform at your senior center or senior event, contact him through his website at www.gregschwem.com)