The National Committee for Quality Assurance (NCQA) recently announced that five INTEGRIS Family Care Clinics in Enid have earned Patient-Centered Medical Home (PCMH) Recognition renewal.
The clinics received the initial recognition for using evidence-based, patient-centered processes that focus on highly coordinated care and long-term, participative relationships. The facilities receiving the PCMH Certificate of Recognition renewal are listed below:
INTEGRIS Family First
INTEGRIS Christopher A. Shearer, D.O.
INTEGRIS Dustin Baylor, M.D.
INTEGRIS N.W. Family Medicine Clinic
INTEGRIS Family Care Services of Enid
The NCQA Patient-Centered Medical Home is a model of primary care that combines teamwork and information technology to improve care, improve patients’ experience of care and reduce costs. Medical homes foster ongoing partnerships between patients and their personal clinicians, instead of approaching care as the sum of episodic office visits. Each patient’s care is overseen by clinician-led care teams that coordinate treatment across the health care system. Research shows that medical homes can lead to higher quality and lower costs and can improve patient and provider reported experiences of care.

Steven Howell, the Pharmacy Manager at INTEGRIS Baptist Medical Center, receives a token of appreciation from Alex Azar the former Secretary of the United States Department of Health and Human Services.
Howell was given this medallion for his role in discovering extra doses of the Pfizer vaccine. In early shipments of the vaccine, the FDA had originally approved the use of five doses per vial. But when examining the doses sent to INTEGRIS Health, Howell discovered that you could actually get six doses from each vial. He quickly informed his brother-in-law, U.S. Marine Colonel Gregory McCarthy, who happens to be on the White House Coronavirus Task Force. McCarthy relayed the information up the chain of command and after further review, the FDA granted permission for hospitals around the country to use the sixth dose. “In essence, we received 20-percent more doses than we originally thought,” said Howell. “We were able to vaccinate that many more people and none of the vaccine went to waste.”
Howell may downplay his involvement in this potentially life-saving discovery, but he fully understands the importance of expanding the use of such a scarce commodity. “It’s exciting to be a part of something so monumental,” admits Howell.
We applaud you, Steven, for your daily contributions to INTEGRIS Health and the citizens of Oklahoma, and we commend you for your service to the entire country.

VillagesOKC, an organization of virtual neighbors enabling mature adults to come together to learn, plan, and serve with spirit and dignity, has been selected by the Mather Institute as an honoree of the 2020 Promising Practices Awards. VillagesOKC was recognized for Bringing Brain Health Education to the Community.
Organizations working with older adults from across the country sent in submissions about how they are moving away from conventional practices through new and innovative approaches. Eight organizations with powerful ideas and practices were highlighted for continuing to move the aging services industry forward, despite an abnormally unusual year.
“The Promising Practices Awards honor true leaders in ideation and implementation,” said Cate O’Brien, PhD, assistant vice president and director of the Mather Institute. “We hope these projects will serve as a catalyst for organizations across the country and around the world to spark innovation in their own programs.”
Over the past two years, VillagesOKC has worked closely with MINDRAMP Consulting, a brain health consulting and coaching company, to develop and sustain a Brain Health Initiative, offering MINDRAMP’s unique approach through live presentations, videos, podcasts, web-based classes and workshops. The initiative presents a behavioral and risk-management approach that is specifically tailored for the mature adult population. From 2019-2020, more than 360 older adults attended brain health classes.
From Feb. to June 2021, VillagesOKC will again partner with MINDRAMP to host a weekly Brain Academy. The full semester of engaging, evidence-based sessions will be held via a secure Zoom meeting. The program is $100 for non-members and $50 for members of VillagesOKC. Programming includes:
Level 1. Strong Brains, Sharp Minds: The Art & Science of Aging Intentionally
* Feb. 10 – The Longevity Paradox & The Call to Adventure
* Feb. 24 – May the Force Be with You & Navigational Aids
Level 2. Mapping the Future of Your Mature Mind
* March 10 – Motivation & Assessments
* March 24 – Planning & Skills for Sustainability
Level 3. – Eight Behaviors That Shape Your Brain
* April 14 – Cogwheel Overview, Physical Exercise & Mental Stimulation
* April 28 – Social Engagement, Stress Management & Diet and Nutrition
* May 12 – Sleep, Medical Factors & Environmental Conditions
Practicum 1. Designing Your Brain Health Action Plan
* May 26 – Design Your Personal Action Plan
Practicum 2. Lions & Tigers & Bears: Group Coaching to Overcome Obstacles, Setbacks and Discouragement
* June 9 – Put Your Personal Action Plan into Action
* June 23 –Develop Strategies for Sustainability
“The Brain Health Initiative has expanded the range and depth of our remotely delivered services and has positioned us as a leader in the aging community,” said Marilyn Olson, executive director of VillagesOKC. “As MINDRAMP says, ‘Everyone wants a better brain.’ Offering this program has grown our membership and our place in the greater community.”
To learn more and to register for the Brain Academy, please email [email protected] or call 405.990.6637.

Once a week, after she brushes her teeth and gets ready to leave for work at the Oklahoma Medical Research Foundation, Cindy Carter sets a 30-minute timer on her phone.
When Carter’s phone buzzes on her drive, it reminds her of the task that now kicks off her week: submitting a saliva sample for OMRF’s weekly employee Covid-19 testing program.
Before leaving her car, Carter opens her testing kit, which OMRF provides to staff members each week. Inside is a cup, a barcoded sample tube, pipette, alcohol wipe and biohazard bag.
“I don’t want to take off my mask indoors, so before I go in, I spit into the cup, put the sample in the tube and throw the waste away in a biohazard receptacle,” said Carter, a lab manager for OMRF’s Cardiovascular Biology Research Program.
Carter then enters OMRF’s Research Tower, where a human resources staffer sits behind plexiglass, ready to collect samples.
“They scan a barcode on my employee badge, then a barcode on the tube,” explained Carter, who joined OMRF in 1996. “Only human resources has those codes. It couldn’t be easier or faster.”
Each Wednesday morning, having collected samples from the 300-plus employees who are onsite each week, foundation technicians analyze the samples. The OMRF-developed process can run 186 samples at a time and examines each sample five times for accuracy. And because of the “specificity” of the test, it can detect amounts of the virus much smaller than those picked up by many commercially available tests.
The lab relays any positive results by Wednesday evening to OMRF Vice President of Human Resources Courtney Greenwood, who contacts those individuals. “If you haven’t heard from me by Thursday morning, you know you’re in the clear,” said Greenwood.
When it came to adding testing to OMRF’s existing pandemic protocols of mask-wearing and physical distancing, Greenwood said OMRF leadership agreed the test had to be fast, free of nose swabs, and affordable for the foundation.
OMRF scientist Joel Guthridge, Ph.D., and his team answered the call, using existing equipment, technology and staff to develop the saliva-based PCR test at a fraction of commercial costs.
“It’s pennies on the dollar comparatively,” said Guthridge. “Our goal is to help people be healthier. We had to achieve that mission on our own turf so that we could forge ahead with our other research.”
More than 4,000 samples have been run since the testing program started in October. To date, they’ve identified 17 employees who were positive for the virus. In the same timeframe, there have been no instances of onsite spread of the virus among employees.
“This testing program has really proven effective at keeping our workforce safe and avoiding outbreaks,” said Greenwood. “It’s helped us maintain our laboratory operations, and we plan to continue the program as long as the virus remains a threat in the community.”
For Carter, OMRF’s weekly testing program, along with a host of other onsite safety protocols, have provided comfort during unsettling times.
I’ve felt really good about coming into work during even the worst stretches of the pandemic,” said Carter. “Having worked here as long as I have, I’m not surprised they went above and beyond to protect us.”

Story by Darl Devault, Feature Writer

COVID-19 patients without serious symptoms requiring hospitalization and high flow oxygen or mechanical ventilation may receive Eli Lilly’s bamlanivimab and Regeneron’s casirivimab / imdevimab COVID-19 infusion therapies at the Oklahoma COVID Care Center in Edmond. Patients should be infused within 10 days of onset of any symptoms.
The single intravenous (IV) infusion therapy is U.S. Food and Administration authorized for the treatment of mild to moderate coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19). The FDA Emergency Use Authorization (EUA) was issued to Regeneron Pharmaceuticals Inc. November. 21, 2020
A member of the American Association of Nurse Practitioners, Kara De La Pena, who owns an Edmond based urgent care mobile practice, is advising COVID-19 patients over the age of 65 to take advantage of this life-saving infusion. With 15 years of experience in healthcare and recently treating COVID-19 patients in the outpatient setting, De La Pena says “I have seen many people, including close family members, almost lose their life to this disease. These infusions, also termed “BAM” infusions, along with mass vaccinations for COVID-19, will hopefully end this pandemic.”
This infusion treatment is for mild to moderate COVID-19 positive testing adults and pediatric patients (12 years of age or older weighing at least 88 pounds) who are at high risk for progressing to severe COVID-19. This includes those who are 65 years of age or older or who have certain chronic medical conditions.
This is the same therapy first described in the media as a Regeneron cocktail when given to former President Donald Trump in early October under an emergency, single-person authorization. Infectious diseases expert Anthony Fauci, M.D., has said of Regeneron’s experimental antibody cocktail: “There is a reasonably good chance in fact it made (President Donald Trump) much better.”
These two therapies infuse monoclonal antibodies (mAbs) intended to directly neutralize the COVID-19 virus and prevent progression of the disease.
“The FDA Authorizes these monoclonal antibody therapies that may help outpatients avoid hospitalization and alleviate the burden on our health care system,” said FDA Commissioner Stephen M. Hahn, M.D. “As part of our Coronavirus Treatment Acceleration Program, the FDA uses every possible pathway to make new treatments available to patients as quickly as possible while continuing to study the safety and effectiveness of these treatments.”
High risk is defined as COVID-19 testing patients who meet at least one of the following criteria:
* Have a body mass index (BMI) over 35.
* Have chronic kidney disease.
* Have diabetes.
* Have immunosuppressive disease.
* Are currently receiving immunosuppressive treatment.
* Are over 65 years of age.
* Are over 55 years of age AND have:
* cardiovascular disease, OR * hypertension, OR * chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder/other chronic respiratory disease
* Are 12-17 years of age AND have: * BMI over 85th percentile for their age and gender based on CDC growth charts, OR * sickle cell disease, OR * congenital or acquired heart disease, OR * neurodevelopmental disorders, OR * medical-related technological dependence, OR * asthma, reactive airway, or other chronic respiratory disease that requires daily medication for control
For more info call 405-726-9859 to speak to an infusion coordinator or visit www.okcovidcare.com
The scheduling team coordinates convenient infusion appointment times.
Please note hydrating 2-3 days before a scheduled infusion appointment is encouraged to aid with the infusion treatment.
Patients begin their infusion day by completing a one-page health assessment so infusion nurses can identify current medications and recent health events. The nurses take patient vital signs and review overall health condition. Patients should make the infusion team aware of any recent surgery, scheduled surgery, or infections, as this could interfere with that day’s scheduled treatment.
Once all assessments and reviews are completed, the infusion nurse inserts a small IV needle into the hand or arm. Depending on the medication therapy selected for treatment, infusion times will vary from 30 minutes to six hours; however, most medications are administered in two hours or less.
Every patient is closely monitored from start to finish. Most patients feel normal after their infusion and can resume their daily activities, while others experience acute fatigue. The Oklahoma Covid Care Center strongly encourages patients to consider having transportation available to them.
In a clinical trial of patients with COVID-19, casirivimab and imdevimab, administered together, were shown to reduce COVID-19-related hospitalization or emergency room visits in patients at high risk for disease progression within 28 days after treatment when compared to placebo.
Monoclonal antibodies are laboratory-made proteins that mimic the immune system’s ability to fight off harmful pathogens such as viruses. Casirivimab and imdevimab are monoclonal antibodies specifically directed against the spike protein of SARS-CoV-2, designed to block the virus’ attachment and entry into human cells.
“The emergency authorization of these monoclonal antibodies administered together offers health care providers another tool in combating the pandemic,” said Patrizia Cavazzoni, M.D., acting director of the FDA’s Center for Drug Evaluation and Research.
The issuance of an EUA is different than FDA approval. In determining whether to issue an EUA, the FDA evaluates the totality of available scientific evidence and carefully balances any known or potential risks with any known or potential benefits of the product for use during an emergency.
When used to treat COVID-19 for the authorized population, the known and potential benefits of these antibodies outweigh the known and potential risks. There are no adequate, approved and available alternative treatments for the authorized population.
“I get emotional thinking about these infusions. I am overjoyed we have a tool in helping prevent COVID-19 from replicating and causing more harm in the body. I wish we had this tool sooner to help save some of the 400,000 Americans we have lost already, 3,293 of those being Oklahomans,” De La Pena said.
As an advanced practice registered nurse her certifications in advanced cardiac life support, basic life support, and pediatric advanced life support allow her to fully evaluate her senior patient’s situations. She has been nursing COVID-19 outpatients since the beginning of the pandemic as the owner of NP 2 Go.
“Many people qualify for the infusion.” De La Pena said. “If they have questions, they may call the center to confirm their qualification. There is another infusion clinic at St. Mary’s Regional Hospital in Enid (patients just need a referral from their provider). Oklahoma ER and Hospital in Edmond expects to add the infusion services soon.”
Fact sheets about using casirivimab and imdevimab administered together in treating COVID-19 are available to patients. These fact sheets include dosing instructions, potential side effects and drug interactions. Possible side effects include anaphylaxis and infusion-related reactions, fever, chills, hives, itching and flushing.

Dear Savvy Senior,

I will turn 65 in a few months and plan to keep working for several more years. I have good health insurance from my employer now. Do I have to sign up for Medicare when I reach 65?

Looking Ahead

Dear Looking,
Whether you need to enroll in Medicare at 65 if you continue to work and have health insurance through your job depends on how large your employer is. The same rules apply if your health insurance comes from your spouse’s job.
But first, let’s review the basics. Remember that original Medicare has two parts: Part A, which provides hospital coverage and is free for most people. And Part B, which covers doctor’s bills, lab tests and outpatient care. Part B also has a monthly premium, which is $148.50 for most beneficiaries in 2021, but is higher for individuals earning above $88,000.
If you’re already receiving Social Security, you’ll automatically be enrolled in parts A and B when you turn 65, and you’ll receive your Medicare card in the mail. It will include instructions to return it if you have work coverage that qualifies you for late enrollment. If you aren’t yet receiving Social Security, you will have to apply, which you can do online at SSA.gov/medicare.
If you plan to continue working past the age of 65 and have health insurance from your job, your first step is to ask your benefits manager or human resources department how your employer insurance works with Medicare. In most cases, you should at least take Medicare Part A because it’s free. (Note: If you’re funding a health savings account you may not want to take Part A because you can’t make contributions after you enroll). But to decide whether to take Part B or not will depend on the size of your employer.
Small Employer
If your current employer has fewer than 20 employees, Medicare will be your primary insurer and you should enroll in Medicare Part B during your initial enrollment period. This is a seven-month period that includes the three months before, the month of, and the three months after your 65th birthday.
If you miss the seven-month sign-up window, you’ll have to wait until the next general enrollment period, which runs from Jan. 1 to March 31 with benefits beginning the following July 1. You’ll also incur a 10 percent penalty for each year you wait beyond your initial enrollment period, which will be tacked on to your monthly Part B premium.
Large Employer
If your employer has 20 or more employees, your employer’s group health plan will be your primary insurer as long as you remain an active employee. If this is the case, you don’t need to enroll in Part B when you turn 65 if you’re satisfied with the coverage you are getting through your job. But if you do decide to enroll in Medicare, it will supplement your employer insurance by paying secondary on all of your claims.
Once your employment or group health coverage ends, you will then have eight months to sign up for Part B without a penalty. This is known as the Special Enrollment Period.
Check Drug Coverage
You also need to verify your prescription drug coverage. Call your benefits manager or insurance company to find out if your employer’s prescription drug coverage is considered “creditable.” If it is, you don’t need to enroll in a Medicare Part D prescription drug plan. If it isn’t, you should purchase a plan (see Medicare.gov/plan-compare) during your initial enrollment period or you’ll incur a premium penalty (1 percent of the average national premium for every month you don’t have coverage) if you enroll later.
If you have more questions or need help, contact your State Health Insurance Assistance Program (see ShiptaCenter.org), which offers free Medicare counseling. Or call the Medicare Rights Center helpline at 800-333-4114.
Send your senior questions to: Savvy Senior, P.O. Box 5443, Norman, OK 73070, or visit SavvySenior.org. Jim Miller is a contributor to the NBC Today show and author of “The Savvy Senior” book.

The American Health Care Association and National Center for Assisted Living (AHCA/NCAL), representing more than 14,000 nursing homes and assisted living communities across the country that provide care to approximately five million people each year, released the following statement regarding the pace of the COVID-19 vaccination rollout.
The following statement is attributable to Mark Parkinson, president and CEO of AHCA/NCAL:
“With record-breaking cases in nursing homes right now due to soaring community spread, no one could wish for a swifter delivery of the vaccine than those living and working in long term care facilities. While we must be efficient in order to save the lives of our most vulnerable, we must also be thoughtful and targeted in our approach.
“Since the creation of the pharmacy partnership program for long term care, we knew that this rollout would take time: to approve the vaccines for use; to have enough supply for each state to activate the program; to encourage states to prioritize our population; to distribute and ship the vaccine to the pharmacies; to prepare the clinics for our residents who have complex conditions; to gather consent among residents or their health care representatives; and to educate staff, residents and family members about the need to take the vaccine. The plan from the beginning was to vaccinate long term care residents and staff with the first dose over three to four weeks, beginning the last two weeks of December. Therefore, we are in the midst of the pharmacy partnership program really getting underway, and we believe this program is operating in accordance with its intended timeline.
“As of right now, we are not aware of widespread issues or delays with this vaccine rollout, and if there were, we would be among the first to sound the alarm. We continue to assist a minority of member providers who come to us looking for assistance or clarity, but the majority of providers tell us that their clinics have been scheduled or have already occurred and that overall, the program is running smoothly.
“As with any effort of this scale, there will be issues, and vaccine hesitancy is our primary focus at this moment. Uptake among residents and staff is varying widely, but in general, staff seem to be mirroring the general public’s reaction: excitement mixed with hesitation about the vaccines’ development and safety. We launched the #GetVaccinated campaign to encourage all long term care residents, families and staff members to consent to the vaccine as well as provide credible information to help inform their decision. We call on public health officials, social media companies, and members of the media to combat misinformation about the vaccine to aid in this effort.
“And pardon the pun, but we get more than one shot at this. We remain hopeful that uptake for the vaccine will improve as this pharmacy partnership program continues to unfold in the coming weeks and months in the subsequent clinics.
“This is a monumental effort to vaccinate millions of our nation’s vulnerable seniors and their caregivers, and we are confident and grateful that everyone involved is working as hard and as fast as they can while still ensuring we get this right.”

Many people remain reluctant to cover their faces in public. Are masks effective against COVID-19? What’s the status of a vaccine? What’s the science behind it all?
Auburn University at Montgomery (Alabama) biology professor Karen Stine, who specializes in toxicology — the study of poisons — has taught courses in toxicology, pharmacology, cell biology, physiology and environmental science. She offers her thoughts on the ongoing global pandemic, and how the public at large can work to guard against it.
Q. How do vaccines work?
Stine: Vaccines generally contain either an inactivated virus, or isolated bits and pieces of a virus, any of which will hopefully stimulate your immune system to react. This gives you a head start, so if and when you’re actually exposed to the virus your immune system can inactivate it before it makes you sick. But immune responses usually take some time to ramp up to full steam.
Q. Why don’t we have a vaccine for COVID-19 yet?
Stine: Right now, there are multiple organizations working on different viral bits and pieces, hoping to find the right combination that can get the immune system geared up against COVID-19. This takes time, though, as the strategies first have to be tested in the lab, and then in uninfected people to make sure the vaccine is safe and that indicators of effectiveness (usually antibodies) have been produced in the test subjects. Finally, large scale tests for effectiveness (usually involving thousands of people) have to take place. Only then will the vaccine be approved for the general public.many people remain reluctant to cover their faces in public. Are masks effective against COVID-19? What’s the status of a vaccine? What’s the science behind it all?
Auburn University at Montgomery biology professor Karen Stine, who specializes in toxicology — the study of poisons — has taught courses in toxicology, pharmacology, cell biology, physiology and environmental science. She offers her thoughts on the ongoing global pandemic, and how the public at large can work to guard against it.
Q. How do vaccines work?
Stine: Vaccines generally contain either an inactivated virus, or isolated bits and pieces of a virus, any of which will hopefully stimulate your immune system to react. This gives you a head start, so if and when you’re actually exposed to the virus your immune system can inactivate it before it makes you sick. But immune responses usually take some time to ramp up to full steam.
Q. Will a vaccine produce long-lasting immunity against COVID-19?
Stine: No one knows the answer to that yet. For some viruses (the virus that causes measles, for example), one or two doses of a vaccine can produce immunity that appears to last throughout life. For other viruses (influenza viruses, for example), frequent changes in the virus along with gradually declining immunity means that people need to be re-vaccinated annually.
Q. Do masks really help prevent the spread of COVID-19?
Stine: It’s a fair question. Early on, scientists and doctors were not encouraging (and in fact were discouraging) mask use. But as evidence mounted, we learned from it—that’s how science works—and now, the scientific and medical advice has changed. The consensus now is that wearing a mask in public can greatly reduce transmission of the COVID-19 virus.
Q. What has the science shown the biomedical community that makes them support this?
Stine: A few facts have become clear over the last months. People can spread the virus without showing symptoms. We also know the virus is predominantly spread through respiratory droplets and that cloth masks are effective at blocking the release of respiratory droplets by infected people. Some of this evidence is from other viruses but should generalize to COVID-19.
Q. So what conclusion can be drawn from that evidence?
Stine: If everyone wears masks, which block respiratory droplets, transmission of the virus should be greatly reduced.
Q. But does this work in the real world?
Stine: Evidence now indicates that masks, along with other measures, can indeed make a difference. Also, strong anecdotal evidence from countries in both Asia and Europe that have mandated masks in public lends support to the premise that masks can be an effective tool in dramatically reducing coronavirus transmission.
Q. Should everyone wear a mask in public?
Stine: For a very small segment of the population, wearing a mask is not medically recommended. For the rest of us, it is not only safe but is also the most effective thing we can do to make others feel safe, as well. And remember, workers in medical and other fields have always worn them!
Q. But some people feel wearing a mask infringes on their freedom. How do you convince these people to wear masks?
Stine: Perhaps it does a bit. But if mild inconvenience outweighs civic responsibility for you in a time of national crisis — and over 100,000 deaths nationwide certainly qualifies as a crisis — are you comfortable with what that says about your values?
Q. So if you could speak directly to people who are reluctant to wear a mask in public, what would you say to them?
Stine: The bottom line is that strong scientific evidence indicates that if everyone wears a mask in public (and maintains appropriate social distancing), rates of COVID-19 infection will drop, and we can all enjoy much safer freedom of movement as we go about our daily lives. Also, those still isolated at home can more safely emerge and help boost our struggling economy. It’s a win for everyone. So, wear a mask. Please. Lives and livelihoods depend on it.

by Greg Schwem

The hardware store employee approached, noting the confusion on my face. It’s a look that just happens naturally the moment I enter any store that smells of lumber.
“What can I help you find today?” he said.
“The ‘Diet Coke’ button,” I said.
“Excuse me?”
I repeated my request, glancing at my watch while doing so. Whenever I’m in a hardware store, my goal is to be out in less than five minutes. I never do this when I’m in, say, an electronics store. Then again, I enjoy being around flat screen televisions. Drill bits and tile grout, not so much.
“We sell Diet Coke at the registers,” the employee said. “But that’s it. Are you referring to something you wear on your lapel?”
“No, I want the button that sits on your desk. You press it and somebody walks in with a Diet Coke,” I said. “I read Donald Trump had one installed on the Oval Office desk, but President Biden got rid of it when he was sworn in. And it didn’t even require an executive order.”
“We don’t sell a Diet Coke button,” the relieved employee said. “Have you tried contacting Coca-Cola? Maybe they have one.”
“I sent an email,” I said. “Still waiting for a response. Look, it doesn’t have to be Diet Coke, specifically. Do you sell other buttons for a home office that produce objects instantly when pressed? What about a ‘potato chips’ button? A ‘warm pair of socks’ button? A ‘Bud Light’ button?”
“You want a Bud Light button in your office?” the employee said.
“I’d program it so it only worked after 5:30 p.m.,” I replied.
“Sir, we have a full line of doorbells in aisle 15. Wouldn’t something like that work?” asked the employee, now glancing at HIS watch.
“I suppose so,” I said.
“Great. Happy to be of service,” the employee said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m needed in plumbing.”
Trudging to the other side of the store, I found an “entry alert kit” featuring a device that promised to emit a buzzing sound. I brought it home, secured it near my keyboard and pressed the button. My dog, not recognizing this new sound, freaked out, nonetheless.
“Why is she barking?” my wife yelled from upstairs.
“She’ll be fine,” I yelled back. “She just needs to get used to the new sound.”
“What new sound?” said my wife, now standing at the entrance to my office.
“This one,” I said, pressing the button again. The dog responded accordingly.
“Why are you buzzing?” she asked, after consoling our now breathless pooch.
“It’s my Diet Coke buzzer,” I said. “Like the one President Trump used. You’re familiar with it?”
“Familiar enough to know that I’m not getting you a Diet Coke every time you press that thing,” she said. “Did you really think that was going to happen?”
“It doesn’t have to be you,” I said. “It could be anyone who happens to hear it. What about our daughters? They’ve been spending a lot of time in the house since COVID-19. They can get it.”
“When did everybody in this house suddenly become your servants?” she said.
“So, I should return the buzzer?”
“No, I think I’ll get one. Maybe I’ll get a few, all with different sounds. One is the signal that I’m not cooking dinner tonight, another is that the faucet is still dripping — I’ll return it when you finally fix it — another for…”
“OK, I get it. But can you just bring me a Diet Coke one time? Just so I can experience what might have been?”
Before she could answer, I pressed the button.
My wife exited the room, returning with my favorite beverage.
For a brief moment, I felt very presidential.
(Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of two books: “Text Me If You’re Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad” and the recently released “The Road To Success Goes Through the Salad Bar: A Pile of BS From a Corporate Comedian,” available at Amazon.com. Visit Greg on the web at www.gregschwem.com.
You’ve enjoyed reading, and laughing at, Greg Schwem’s monthly humor columns in Senior Living News. But did you know Greg is also a nationally touring stand-up comedian? And he loves to make audiences laugh about the joys, and frustrations, of growing older. Watch the clip and, if you’d like Greg to perform at your senior center or senior event, contact him through his website at www.gregschwem.com)