story and photos by Bobby Anderson, Staff Writer

Whether it’s a tournament or just a regular weekday morning, odds are you’ll find Sherry Sakoski at Westwood Tennis Center in Norman.
Sakoski has been a regular fixture at Westwood for years, but she didn’t pick up the game of tennis until she was 35.
She remembers taking her three children to the courts while they were growing up.
Two times a week she would have lessons before hitting by herself on the backboard.
“Every day almost. It wasn’t very far from the courts,” she said. “I’d just load up the kids and head out.”
Within a couple years she started traveling to tournaments, improving her skills and having some success.
Originally from Weatherford, she took a job with 3M as a chemist after going to pharmacy school. Much of her time with 3M was spent as a quality engineer, auditing the chemical components company vendors used in the manufacture of their products.
At 60 she went back to school to get her doctorate in pharmacy so she could help out her daughter who works as a pharmacist in Oklahoma CIty.
After moving back to Norman in 2003, she took lessons from then-director David Minihan before transitioning to now current-director Marc Claude.
“I’d rather play with them than play with anybody else. Isn’t that something?” she laughed.
“I didn’t have an opportunity to play any ball when I was young because they didn’t have anything for girls at Weatherford. Then I got out into the world and my kids wanted to play so we just all learned together.”
Her husband, an avid tabletop tennis player, even picked up the sport and advanced quickly.
Players always have to contend with the Oklahoma weather but construction of a new indoor tennis center will help players like Sakoski still get out on the court.
Westwood Tennis Center is considered as one of the top public facilities in the United States. In 2007, The U.S. Tennis Association recognized Westwood as the National Outstanding Facility. Currently, Westwood has 14 outdoor championship courts with four 36-foot youth courts.
The new 15,000 square foot indoor facility is a Norman Forward project, funded through a one-half-cent sales tax approved by Norman voters in October 2015. The construction contract was awarded to Flintco for $1,376,714 in August 2018.
This facility is the city’s first tensile fabric structure and features two new USTA-sanctioned indoor tennis courts, reflected LED lighting, a spectator area, and an energy efficient heating and air conditioning system.
The project also included the construction of two new outdoor USTA-standard courts with lighting, fencing and bleacher areas which were completed in 2018 before the new indoor facility’s construction.
“It’s softer in there,” she said of the new surface.
It’s been two years since Sakoski had her hip replaced so she appreciates that fact.
She’ll take whatever she can to keep her out on the court.
“I just like it. I like to hit the ball. I like it because it makes you stronger and in order to play tennis I have to keep up with my health,” she said. “I have to eat right and I have to drink a lot of water.”
Sakoski is an avid doubles player, enjoying playing up at the net.
“You’ll have to ask Marc but I play pretty good for an old lady,” she said. “Not as good as some of them. Oh, my goodness I know some of them that are in their 80s. It’s no effort for them. It’s still an effort for me to hit the ball hard.”
NET GAINS
According to the International Tennis Federation, playing tennis could increase life expectancy by a decade, according to an ongoing cardiovascular study.
The Copenhagen City Heart Study has examined people over a 25-year period and evaluated improvements in life expectancy through participation in various sports and leisure-time activities.
In total, 8577 participants were examined for all-cause mortality between 10 October 1991 and 16 September 1994 until 22 March 2017, with various sports found to improve and increase life expectancy.
Of the sports included in the observational study, tennis topped the charts for potential life expectancy gains by some considerable distance, with results suggesting as many as 9.7 years could be added to an individual’s existence.
This is 3.5 years more than its nearest competitor badminton, the playing of which has been found to increase life expectancy by 6.2 years, with football (soccer) having the potential to add 4.7 years and cycling 3.7 years.
Swimming was found to boost life expectancy rates by 3.4 years, jogging by 3.2 years, calisthenics by 3.1 years and health club activities by 1.5 years.
A further conclusion of the study suggests that leisure-time sports which involve greater levels of social interaction are associated with the higher levels of longevity.

Story by Susan Slater

How Seniors Can Trust They’ve Found a Reputable Roofer

A lot of companies say they specialize in working with seniors. But Dennis Helm, of Smooth Finish Roofing & Construction, shows it.
Dennis is an industry partner and a member of OKALA (Oklahoma Assisted Living Association). He also has industry partnerships with several important senior organizations: The Oklahoma Senior Journal, Senior GuidePost, and The VillagesOKC. When Dennis says he enjoys working with seniors and wants to help them, he means it!
Dennis has been a senior advocate for as long as he’s been a business owner of Smooth Finish. He came about this from a place of caring for those who may be vulnerable to scammers because of difficulties he faced as a child (see article page ?? – in main section).

How Smooth Finish can help seniors

1) If you are working with a senior who would like to stay in their home, Smooth Finish can install a good-quality roof on their home that will last.
They can also help with other repairs and modifications on the homes of seniors who want to age in place. Besides roofing, Smooth Finish can do ceiling leak repair, guttering, siding, garage doors, fencing, painting, and more.
2) If you have a client who is moving into a senior living center and needs to sell their home, they may likely need a new roof or other repairs. Smooth Finish will do excellent work at a fair price, so your client’s home can pass all the inspections required for a sale.
3) Smooth Finish is not only certified and licensed* to do roofing for residential homes, but for senior living facilities as well.
Owner Dennis Helm—a true senior advocate

With his sincere desire to help seniors, Dennis always works to encourage people to use only local, licensed, and insured roofing contractors with hundreds of verifiable references. There are just too many terrible stories of things going wrong when people don’t.

Warning: roofers may not be who they seem to be!

“I’ve heard it many, many times,” Dennis says, “most people don’t trust roofers. That’s because in this industry there are a lot of fly-by-night roofers. They come in town, start a ‘company,’ get magnets on their car, and in 24-hours they look like a legitimate business. But they’re not.”
Unreliable scammers always rush into town after a storm has hit to solicit people who need roofing services. These unscrupulous “companies” many times will claim to be local, even though they’re not, and may go to great lengths to look like they’re hometown guys.
Dennis tells about having a man from out of town contact him after a bad storm hit the Oklahoma City area. This man wanted to “buy” the Smooth Finish company name, and use Dennis’s address and phone number for six months. He offered a good price, too! He wanted to appear to be a local, established company when soliciting roof jobs.
Dennis warns people to not be fooled. He says, “I wasn’t about to go for that deal, but other companies will.” He continues, “I want people with roofing needs in Oklahoma City to rest at ease. I want them to know that when they use Smooth Finish Roofing & Construction, they’re getting an honest, reputable company. I’m a lifelong resident and have 32 years expertise in this business.”
Ask for licensing numbers and for references, and then check them out! Dennis explains that reputable roofers live and work in the same city where their business is located. “We don’t go out of town, except for previous and existing customers. There is always more than enough work for us right here in the 620 square miles of Oklahoma City.”

Your clients will thank you for a Smooth Finish recommendation

You can feel confident in recommending Smooth Finish Roofing & Construction to the clients you’re helping. For the homeowner, Dennis can work on the rooftop, the floor, and everything in between. He’s licensed General Contractor for the City of Oklahoma City* and has been in business for 32 years.
Since 1987, Dennis has been helping customers with decisions concerning their homes. Many times, he’s found simple solutions for complex problems. He works to keep the costs fair and reasonable, and lives by the Smooth Finish motto: “Where quality craftsmanship meets fair pricing.”
Give Dennis a call on his personal cell phone at (405-923-5127). He’ll be happy to come visit you for a free consultation, inspection, and estimate. And he’ll be glad to give you references so you can check with people who have used his services! Dennis adds, “We are proud of and enjoy our solid reputation. We enjoy serving seniors, military, and single mothers—and we only move forward with a job when you’re comfortable.”
*Oklahoma CIB #0242 and City of Oklahoma City license #13705

Do you have swelling in your legs?
Are your legs discolored?
Do you have varicose veins?
Do you have numbness, pain or tingling in the legs?
Do you have throbbing in the legs or itchy, scaly skin?
Do you have, or have you had, wounds in the lower leg/calf area?
You could have chronic venous insufficiency (CVI). Understanding venous disease means understanding the function and anatomy of the venous system. Veins carry blood with CO2 and metabolic waste products back to the heart and lungs to be replenished with oxygen and nutrients. To reach the heart, blood needs to flow upward in the veins from the legs- against gravity. The contraction of the muscles in the legs help to propel the blood upward. To keep the blood flowing up and prevent backflow, the veins contain one-way valves. CVI occurs when these valves become damaged allowing blood to flow backwards and pool in the leg veins. Over time, this malfunction of the valves causes pressure to build up in the veins. Fluid then leaks out into the tissues causing swelling and inflammation Chronic inflammation results in progressive problems, such as pain, bulging veins, skin changes or the most serious complication, blood clots. Blood clots that form in the deep veins of the legs (DVT) can travel to the lungs and cause serious complications, even death.
The symptoms of venous disease can vary greatly. They are often so insidious that, after treatment, patients are surprised to realize how much chronic discomfort they had accepted as “normal”. Common symptoms include burning, swelling, throbbing, cramping, and leg fatigue. The appearance of the lower extremities is often very helpful in the diagnosis of venous disease. Some people will notice swelling, changes in the color and texture of the skin, dry scaling, itchy skin, visible spider veins or bulging veins in the calf and thigh. Others will experience more serious soft tissue changes that develop as the disease progresses which include chronic inflammation or cellulitis, varicosities that bleed without warning, or wounds that come up like small blisters and take a long time to heal. The most serious complications from chronic venous insufficiency are blood clots (DVT’s), and non-healing wounds that become infected – sometimes spreading to bone or into the bloodstream.
Risk factors include:
*Family history
* Obesity
* Damage to your leg due to injury, surgery, or previous blood clots
* Occupations that require sitting or standing for long periods of time
* Reduced mobility or sedentary lifestyle
* More than one pregnancy
In order to diagnose CVI, a complete medical history and examination of your legs will be required. A vascular ultrasound may also be useful to assess the blood flow in the leg veins. Like any disease, CVI is most easily treated in the early stages. Conservative treatment strategies include avoidance of long periods of standing and sitting, regular exercise, weight loss, elevating your legs at night, practicing good hygiene and treating active skin infections. Properly fitting, medical grade support hose called compression stockings are a common conservative treatment option. Compression stockings come in different lengths and compression strength. To ensure a proper fit, compression stockings should be prescribed by a health care provider. Endovenous laser thermal ablation (EVLT) is a relatively new technique that uses a laser to create heat in the abnormal vein causing it to shut down, and redirecting blood flow to deep veins. This technique is minimally invasive, can be done in under an hour, involves less pain than traditional therapies, and allows for a quick return to normal activities. Sclerotherapy is another minimally invasive option; it involves injection of a solution directly into the vein that causes the vein to collapse and shut down.
If you think you may have this problem, you can discuss it with your primary health care provider, or seek out one of the many specialists who offer treatment options – including cardiologists, vascular surgeons, and interventional radiologists. You are also welcome to call our center to schedule a prompt and free consultation- you can reach us at (405) 608-8884

by Mark Beutler

Jane Jayroe was in disbelief when she heard the announcer call her name. The young girl from rural Laverne, Oklahoma, was standing on stage in Atlantic City as Bert Parks began the first few bars of an old familiar song.
“There she is, Miss America,” Parks crooned.
The image flickered on black and white television sets across the country as Jayroe accepted the crown and took her first steps as Miss America 1967.
“A wave of emotions swept over me,” Jayroe recalls. “The audience rose to its feet, while what seemed like flashes from a thousand cameras began going off simultaneously. I could not believe it, even after I heard my name it still seemed unreal. Here I was, this shy, 19-year-old girl from Oklahoma and I had just been given one of the most recognizable titles in the world!”
Jayroe spent the next year traveling in a whirlwind of public appearances, which included entertaining the troops in Vietnam. The schedule was grueling but paved the way for the bright future that lay ahead.
She finished her reign as Miss America, and then continued her education at Oklahoma City University. Her career led her to Dallas where she was news anchor for KXAS-TV before moving home to Oklahoma City, where she worked as prime-time anchor for both KFOR-TV and KOCO-TV. In 1999, she ventured into public service and held the cabinet position Secretary of Tourism and Recreation until 2003.
But for all her titles and accolades, Jayroe holds one more title and that is cancer survivor.
“I have always been very faithful about having the medical checkups that are recommended,” she says. “As a result, I went in for regular breast exams but in 2003 I was very surprised. One of the spots my doctor had been watching for years was different. We checked it out, and the result was a very early breast cancer diagnosis.”
It was fortunate, Jayroe says, that the cancer was caught early.
“To hear the word ‘cancer’ was terrifying,” she said. “I didn’t think of death, but I did think of months of chemotherapy and being sick. I was so scared. As it turned out, I had a lumpectomy.”
A few years went by and life was good, but in 2007 Jayroe was diagnosed again with cancer– this time it was uterine.
“It took a long time to get that diagnosis,” she says, “Which was really frightening to me because I had symptoms for more than six months before I had the diagnosis. I had a full hysterectomy with additional lymph nodes removed. The surgery was on a Tuesday and the test results came back on Friday…actually, Friday the 13th! Lymph nodes were clear, no follow-up treatment was needed.”
During her journey, Jayroe says what helped most was her faith.
“It was everything to me,” she said. “My faith was the rock upon which I stood. It was the Hand that held mine. It was the Light when my night was dark. And having a community of support like the American Cancer Society is so important. Cancer can be such a lonely fight and such a life-altering experience. To have help in those practical ways is really crucial.”
Today Jayroe is a best-selling author, helping others find their way on whatever path their life takes them. Her most recent book, “Practice: Unleashing the Power of Faith,” was released in 2018.
“My words to those who are going through a cancer journey is first, try not to jump into the pool of fear,” she says. “Instead, lean into faith. With the internet, it’s good to have information and learn about things but I don’t think it’s helpful to start thinking the worst scenario when you don’t have all the information. Take someone with you to appointments if possible and start gathering facts, not fear.”
Using the ACS helpline and website is a good place to start. {1-800-227-2345 or www.cancer.org} It also helps, she says to be around people who are hopeful and positive.
“After my diagnosis it seemed everyone wanted to share the story of their friend or family member who died and who had such an awful journey,” Jayroe said. “I realized how terrifying that was for me. So, I reached out to friends who had survived cancer and asked to hear their stories. I was suddenly encouraged! I bought books that told stories of cancer survivors and how they focused and worked hard during their time of treatment.”
Coming from a strong faith-based community and upbringing, Jayroe turned to the scriptures for inspiration, and found a favorite: “The Lord is my strength and shield. My heart trusts in Him and I am helped.” Psalm 28:7
“When I was recovering at home after the uterine cancer, I started walking in the backyard and I would say this scripture out loud repeatedly,” Jayroe said. “I claimed it. I was indeed helped!”
At age 72, the former Miss America lives a peaceful life surrounded by friends and family, her husband Gerry and faithful pup Maggie, and all around her are mementos of a life well-lived.
“Age has brought me to this statement,” Jayroe says. “‘All of us will die, but not everyone will live fully until then.’ That is my goal; I want to live with gratitude, joy and purpose for as long as I can. Hard times come to everyone and something will take us down. But there really is a lot of beauty in the world if we have eyes to see and ears to hear it”
This summer, Jayroe got to hold the newest member of the family, baby Henry who was 12 weeks old. “When I held him close while he was sleeping, our hearts kind of beat together” she said with a smile. “It was awesome. And nature gives me peace, too. I don’t have a green thumb but last spring, just outside my backdoor, roses grew up the wall. Their perfection left me in awe. And this summer I sat outside in the mountains with friends and heard music that was so powerful and then so tender, I was moved to tears. While I try to find purpose and serve God and my neighbor, I’ll accept the gifts given that give life joy and meaning, and I will be grateful. Those are my words to others who are on their own cancer journey, and I wish for them many blessings.”

Photography and Text by Terry “Travels with Terry” Zinn [email protected]

Fall is a time we often think is going back to school time. And while we may or may not be going back to school with continuing education, we can all recall the tactile feelings of note books, pens and pencils (do kids use pens and pencils anymore?) and the anticipation of new experiences.
Memories of Grammar School, those school years of first through sixth grades, are engraved in our memory, when our heads were only anticipating what comes in the next hour or so.
With Oklahoma City author, Bob Hammack’s, books, “When Magpies Ruled Th World” and “Two Years In the Doghouse,” your arm chair travel will take you back to the simpler times of the 1950s and your allegiance to your school’s mascots. In Bob’s case the Magpies referred to Madison Elementary and the Bulldogs of Cleveland Elementary. While my days were with the Linwood School Lions, it’s easy to identify with the characters Bob grew up with and elaborates through his narrative. Maybe my book of memories would be “When Lions Roared,” however my recollections are not as good or as colorful as Bob’s.
Magpies, has a thread of mystery of a young boy’s disappearance and Doghouse includes a parallel life of a gentleman much the senior of Bob.
I had to ration my reading time with both books as it was too good to rush a comforting a time by reliving a simpler time with landmarks and cultural icons were familiar to me.
Bob recalls a car trip with friend Sally and a journey down memory lane. “The day long journey would provide some quality time for small talk about “remember when”, or “whatever happened to old so and so,” sprinkled with stretches of quite times for thoughtful recollections. Traveling with a fellow baby boomer, we both understand we have more past to talk about than future. Still, the thing about nostalgia is that it is an illness, with only one cure.”
“As the mile markers flew by, I smiled as I realized how simple and predictable life seems to a child. This was especially true during the fabulous fifties, a time in American history when schools followed a predictable pattern, Each year was cleaved into a set of recurring annual events, etched in stories such as Trick or Treat, Thanksgiving, Christmas, ‘89 Day or Valentines day.”
In only a few words you are whisked back in time to Roy Rodgers, Howdy Doody, the Mickey Mouse Club, or Superman. While I lived in relatively the same neighborhood as Bob, his recollections of landmark buildings, attractions and stores, along with a history of the area is fascinating. I had no idea the Shepherd Mall area was once so expansive before development. Wished I could go back in time to see that long gone large Victorian style house of the Shepherds. I do recall having hamburgers with my Dad and brother at a railway style car in a grill called “Cherry’s” that faced NW 23 street, where my Dad teased me with, “Need some help eating those fries?”
Bob has an easy going writing style reminiscent of great Southern writers. To end your nostalgic trip, Bob finishes each book with a what happened to them, in a brief bio of the children’s life as adults. This brings us back to reality and is a comfort to find the childlike escapades that shaped the grown up to their future accomplishments, or not.
Bob’s impressive resume includes being a 1971 Graduate of Oklahoma State University with a degree in journalism, Past Board members of: Oklahoma City Board of Education, Oklahoma City Zoological Trust, Alliance for Women in Media, Oklahoma Zoological Society, Oklahoma City Chapter of the American Red Cross, Oklahoma City Arts Commission, Omniplex Science Museum, Oklahoma City Advertising Club, Downtown Oklahoma City Rotary Club, Oklahoma City Arts Council and Goodwill Industries.
In between his civic involvement it’s a wonder he has time to write his infectious books. But I hope his educational tomes continue as he might move on to the Royals of Taft Junior High and then to Northwest Classen Knights, when maturity

really heats up the escapades.
I suggest you contact Bob by way of email where you can order books by mail. [email protected]

Art Gone Wild provides unique opportunity to view, purchase original animal art in support of wildlife conservation

Art Gone Wild, the Oklahoma City Zoo and Botanical Garden’s exclusive animal art show, is making a creative comeback! After taking a break in 2018, the OKC Zoo is excited to announce the return of Art Gone Wild, Oklahoma City’s wildest art show, to the Myriad Botanical Gardens, 301 West Reno, Oklahoma City. The exhibition runs Thursday, August 22 through Monday, September 16, 2019, in the Crystal Bridge, south lobby. Lobby hours, during which attendees can view and purchase pieces, are Monday through Saturday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. and Sundays from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m.
The Zoo’s newest collection of wildlife art features over 200 original paintings that highlight the artistic talents of various Zoo animals including Asian elephants, California sea lions, giraffe, Sumatran and Amur tigers, Western lowland gorillas and more. Creating art is stimulating for the animals who are guided by their caretakers who are on-hand to assist in the painting process. Each animal expresses their creative abilities in their own way. Some animals use specially adapted tools such as paintbrushes while others paint with their trunks, flippers, noses and paws!
All of the art created by Zoo animals is made with safe, non-toxic paint. Painting sessions are done voluntarily by the animals as part of the Zoo’s enrichment program. Enrichment activities are designed by the Zoo’s animal experts to continually improve and enhance the lives of the animals in their care.
Art Gone Wild fans can view and purchase these original paintings ranging in price from $35 to $300 depending upon the canvas size. All net proceeds benefit the Zoo’s conservation initiatives. Art Gone Wild is open to the public and free to attend. To learn more about Art Gone Wild, call Zoo Guest Relations at (405) 425-0262 or click here.
Visit Art Gone Wild for an awe-inspiring look at art by animals for animals! Located at the crossroads of I-44 and I-35, the Zoo is a proud member of Oklahoma City’s Adventure District and an Adventure Road partner. Hours of operation are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily. Buildings close at 4:45 p.m. daily. Guests must exit grounds at closing time. Regular admission is $11 for adults, and $8 for children ages 3-11 and seniors ages 65 and over. Children two and under are admitted free. Stay connected to the Zoo on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTubeand visit Our Stories. To learn more, call (405) 424-3344 or visit www.okczoo.org.

Los Angeles-class fast attack submarine USS Oklahoma City (SSN 723) returned to its homeport of Apra Harbor, Guam, Aug. 18.
Oklahoma City conducted routine patrols throughout the Indo-Pacific region in support of maritime security operations that promote stability while maintaining key partnerships with allies across the region.
“I am extremely proud of my crew and the hard work and dedication they put into accomplishing several extremely challenging missions,” said Cmdr. Steven Lawrence, commanding officer of Oklahoma City. “They performed superbly on multiple operations in the Indo-Pacific area of responsibility.”
Oklahoma City celebrated the various achievements of its crew members in their professional development.
“I am very proud of the crew of Oklahoma City,” said Master Chief Machinist’s Mate (Auxiliary) Kevin Swanson, Oklahoma City’s chief of the boat. “They performed amazingly during our deployment. We had 25 Sailors and one officer become qualified in submarines. I am honored to be the chief of the boat of such an outstanding group of Sailors.”
Swanson went on to say that the Oklahoma City had 12 Sailors frocked to the next rank and four officers promoted during their time at sea. Additionally, four members of the crews were awarded Navy and Marine Corps Achievement medals.
The Sailors were greeted on the pier by families, as well as other organizations from around the island.
“It is great to see all of the families on the pier,” said Lawrence. “Four months is a long time to be out to sea on a submarine with limited communications. It is nice to come home and know you are appreciated, missed, and made to feel welcome again.”
Oklahoma City was commissioned July 9, 1988. Measuring more than 360 feet long and displacing more than 6,900 tons, Oklahoma City has a crew of approximately 140 Sailors. Oklahoma City is capable of supporting various missions, including anti-submarine warfare, anti-surface ship warfare, strike warfare and intelligence, surveillance and reconnaissance.
Oklahoma City is assigned to Commander, Submarine Squadron 15, which is located at Polaris Point, Naval Base Guam and consists of four Los Angeles-class fast attack submarines. The CSS-15 staff is responsible for providing training, material and personnel readiness support to these commands.
Also based out of Naval Base Guam are submarine tenders USS Emory S. Land (AS 39) and USS Frank Cable (AS 40). The submarines and tenders are maintained as part of the U.S. Navy’s forward-deployed submarine force and are capable of meeting global operational requirements.

Join the Museum for a unique happy hour experience, featuring wines from Boardwalk Distribution and a tasting class from expert Adam Rott. Guests will enjoy new and exciting themed drinks while mingling inside the Museum. Admission is $25 online or $30 at the door. Admission includes live music featuring 2015 The Voice contestant, Chase Kerby, a drink flight, tasting class, featured “Six Shooter Sangria” cocktail and hors d’oeuvres. Tickets may be purchased at https://nationalcowboymuseum.org/event/saloon-series-4/
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum, 1700 Northeast 63rd Street in Oklahoma City.
Patrons must be 21 years or older to attend.

I burst excitedly into our family room, finding my wife and two daughters staring at their phones while some mindless reality show droned in the background. A typical night in the Schwem household.
“Attention, please, everyone,” I said. “In the name of science, I have found our next vacation destination.”
Crickets.
“Ahem, I said I have found our next…”
“We heard you,” my wife said. “And we’re not going.”
“You don’t even know where it is.”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “We are not doing anything in the name of science.”
“Yeah, Dad,” my eldest chimed in. “Last year you wanted us to go to St. Louis and catch the flu. On purpose.”
“We would have each made $3,500,” I said, referring to last summer’s study at St. Louis University in which researchers sought out healthy volunteers who would consent to being exposed to the flu virus, followed by 10 days in quarantine.
“Dad, what’s in your hand?” my youngest asked. “Are those bolt cutters?”
“Yes,” I said. “We might need them if we are going to see aliens.”
My girls, huge fans of “Stranger Things” on Netflix, dropped their phones. I finally had their attention. My wife, not so much.
“What do you mean, ‘see aliens?’” my oldest said.
“On September 20, we are going to Groom Lake in Nevada, specifically to storm Area 51,” I said. “The event is on Facebook, and I’ve already responded ‘interested.’ Along with 1.4 million others.”
“Sounds like we’ll have no problem getting a hotel,” my wife said.
I gave my daughters a brief history lesson on Area 51, a highly-classified Air Force facility that, for years, has been the subject of conspiracy theories, most related to the housing and study of UFOs and other extraterrestrial beings that may have landed in this country.
The site returned to the news recently when California resident Matty Roberts created the “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us” Facebook page. Roberts admitted the site, and the event itself, is a joke, but that hasn’t stopped 1.8 million people from insisting they are attending, including five of my Facebook friends.
“I’m going because I’m interested in history, and there are a lot of historical files at the base,” said Facebook friend Stephen Haas, 29, a New York City stand-up comedian. Then, he added, facetiously, “I’m not some conspiracy nutjob looking for aliens. I just want to know which Apollo 11 astronaut killed Kennedy.”
I pulled up Google Maps on my phone and began plotting our route. “If we fly, we should probably go to Las Vegas and rent a car,” I said. “Area 51 is about three hours away.”
“Can you just pick me up on the way back?” my wife asked. “I’ll hang out at the Mirage pool, and you can send me texts of the three of you cavorting with your new Martian friends.”
“Are you really going to uses the bolt cutters, Dad?” my oldest asked. “I’m interviewing for jobs now, and I don’t want ‘felony trespassing’ to pop up on my background check.”
I assured her I would only use them as a last resort.
“Or we could just borrow a pair,” my youngest said. “With over a million people in attendance, odds are pretty good that somebody has a spare set.”
“Let’s talk attire,” I said, changing the subject. “We may have to walk about 50 miles before we actually reach the gates, particularly if our flight is late. So sensible shoes are a must. And sunscreen.”
“We need as many portable phone chargers as we can carry,” my youngest said. “Can you imagine finally seeing an alien and not being able to put it on Instagram because your phone is dead? I. Would. Die.”
The three of us continued our checklist, adding and subtracting items at will until we were satisfied we were totally prepared to, as the Facebook page states, “see them aliens.”
“What if we get captured?” my oldest said.
“By aliens or the military?” I replied.
“Either.”
“Say nothing,” I commanded. “At least not without a lawyer present.”
“What if we get taken to a spaceship?”
“We’ll worry about that if it happens.”
“Ask them if their spaceship can fly to St. Louis,” my wife said. “Then you call all make $3,500 and spend 10 days with only each other as company.”
Sounds like a great vacation for next year.
(Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of two books: “Text Me If You’re Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad” and the recently released “The Road To Success Goes Through the Salad Bar: A Pile of BS From a Corporate Comedian,” available at Amazon.com. Visit Greg on the web at www.gregschwem.com.)
(c) 2019 GREG SCHWEM. DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Integris Canadian Valley Hospital Volunteers
Just like today I’m going home to eat a bacon and tomato sandwich.
Carolyn Cury

A salad. I’ve eaten everything else.
Eugene Johnson

I want some barbecue ribs.
Zola Johnson

I don’t have favorites but probably a steak.
Nam Huynh